Week 6 - We're a month and a half in to the new year and I'm going strong! My commitment to living a healthier lifestyle with the ultimate goal of living to 100 is in full swing. Have you fallen off the wagon? No worries, I'm an expert in that! Just get back on the wagon and start again, as it's not too late to do better. Here it goes:

Day 36: So my healthy, balanced eating plan and 30 minutes/day of exercise is making a difference for me on a lot of levels. The place where it is not making much of a difference, however, is on the scale. So, I decided this week that I'm not stepping on it again. Why should I? It's just a number. I'm doing all the right things, I'm feeling better, I am less lumpy (you know what I'm saying!), and I know I'm healthier than I was 6 weeks ago. So screw you scale, hand to the face, I'm done with you. Here's what I ate for dinner today. A generous portion of baked tilapia and some yummy cucumbers and tomatoes with vinegar and oil, a pinch of sea salt, pepper, and garlic. Delish.

Day 37: I am grateful for my body and all that it has done for me, from my ability to think and feel, to sense, and to move me to where I want to go both physically and emotionally. I want to protect these functions as long as possible. In order to do this I must recognize that I haven't been taking the best care of myself and for that I have been negligent. Along these lines, I haven't been the best example in that department. I shouldn't compromise my health in order to accomplish other things. I wouldn't want my girls to do this, so I shouldn't allow myself to do this either. So, I'm trying to turn this around once and for all. Based on this little piece of paper I found in the basement next to my workout area, I think someone has noticed. Little eyes and ears, my friends, are always watching and listening...

Day 38: When I was in second grade and about to make my First Reconciliation, I was petrified. Of what, you ask? Well, not knowing what to do, forgetting the prayers, confessing my sins, of course. I was afraid of being judged, even at 7 I got that right. Back then, we had the choice of face-to-face or behind-the-screen, and course the majority of us went behind the screen. What 7 year-old wants to look at a priest and tell them to their face that they were mean to their parents and fought with their sibling? Going through the preparation with Emi, I asked her if she was nervous and if she had questions. "I'm scared I'm going to forget what to say and the prayers Mom." "Oh that's what I remember being nervous about sweetheart." The sins of a 7-year-old have not changed much in the last 30 some years either. There were many priests on hand to take the confessions of all of these lovely little people, and some took place at the end of a hallway within the church. When it finally came time for my little one to go, she was bathed in the light shining upon her through the stained glass window. It was such a peaceful moment. There will be many times in her life when she will take a nervous walk down an uncertain path. Today, I hope that her greatest lesson was to feel forgiveness in her heart. 

Day 39: A gymnastics meet at 7:00pm on a Sunday night over two hours away made for a really late night. However, my girl did her tumbling pass tonight! I was a nervous wreck so I watched her whole floor routine through my camera lens (for some reason this keeps me calm, adding to my quirkiness, as if I needed that). Afterwards, I stood there and cried. For all that she has been through in the past 6 months, she continues to amaze me with her determination. I just wish she would acknowledge this within herself and figure out how to believe in herself. Here's Liv with her teammates, a group of lovely little girls with kind hearts, who have cheered her on through her struggles. The smile is bright, so I think the heart is full. 

Day 40: Remember the "What's Your Excuse?" lady from last year that made all the headlines? Yeah, I've been wanting to comment about that for a while. Not that I'm on any sort of authority on fitness or six-pack motherhood or fat shaming or any of the things people were talking about related to that photo. I do have feelings about it, however. When I saw the "What's Your Excuse?" photo my first thought was I just did not understand why she went this route with her message. I don't want to rehash all the debate with my commentary because everything that could have been said was said. But, let me make this clear. I've had four daughters in 3.5 years after 3 years of infertility testing, treatments, fertility drugs, weight gain, morning sickness, stretch marks, bed rest, a split pubic bone (yeah, hell). I went back to work when my oldest was 2 1/2 and my twins were 1 (3 years of trying to get pregnant is not cheap - think in the ballpark of a BMW). After I had my 4th child, I started working again 48 hours after she was born, taking care of 4 girls under 4 as a working mother. I starting shooting professionally slowly after that, and opened my business officially in 2012. In 2014, I was working full-time, was a part-time taxi driver (2 are competitive swimmers, 1 competitive gymnast, 3 girl scouts, 4 dancers, 1 basketball player, all 4 in catechism classes), not to mention they are all honors students, AND I had 75 shoots last year. Do I think all the other women who can't keep up with this madness are excuse makers? Well, hell no. This is a personal choice. Plus, if I were a single parent, there's no way I could have kept up with that. If I were ill, there is no way I would have kept up with that. If I didn't have family in the area to help me when I needed it, there is no way I could have kept up with that. With this crazy schedule, when I wasn't at work or taking care of the kids or driving places in the car, I was shooting or editing. I wasn't sleeping, I had no time to prep my food and organize myself, there was no time for exercise. My excuse? Well I was growing  business, feeding my family, keeping the kids enriched through sports and arts, and doing volunteer work at school when I could. There are only 24 hours in a day! Mine is just one story of many like this where Moms are out there hustling, doing what they need to do to get everyone where they need go and keep everyone alive, semi-clean, and sufficiently fed. I just don't understand why the woman in the photo had to use her kids and her body to tell other moms that they're excuse makers because they may not look like her. I'm not sure why that would ever have motivated me or women like me. So, how about this message? I don't care what size my pants are, I don't care if anyone thinks I'm skinny, I don't need people commenting on my appearance. I don't have to show my body to prove a point that being healthy is important. I would never work as hard as I'm working just for aesthetics. Never. Ever. So what does this have to do with Day 40? Well, day 40 was long and challenging. You've been there too, right? The last thing I wanted to do today at 10:00pm was kick my own ass for 30 minutes. But, I've made a commitment to take better care of myself. This would mean that everything else has to wait. It took me a long time to accept this. Was I making excuses before? No way (see description of above schedule as a reminder). I find it insulting to many people who are kicking butt and taking names in many aspects of their lives, and working their abs isn't one of them. I find it insulting for those who have good intentions but are struggling with complex physical, emotional, and financial issues to imply that its as simple as an excuse. I think it's irresponsible to demoralize others and use your six-pack abs and motherhood to do it. Let's consider that life can be hard and complicated and recognize that a kind word can go a long way in motivating others. I've made a commitment to take better care of myself in order to support my longest term goal of living to 100, with visions of bouncing great grandchildren on my knee. I've had to make some adjustments to support this commitment and many days it is not easy. I've had to readjust my coping strategies when things get stressful because I was using food to soothe myself. This has been difficult but not insurmountable. Perhaps we have this in common? So let's stop judging and start uplifting. I made it through Day 40 with my brand new kicks that felt so good and light on my feet! Whatever it takes. It was a fake it 'till you make kind of night. I made it :)

Day 41: We have a pretty sick kid and a worried sick Mom. Doctor appointment, check x-ray, and a diagnosis of pneumonia. This is her second bout this winter. It's been a tough day of juggling work, appointments and a sick baby girl. Let's hope tomorrow is better! 

Day 42: This week, my Mom brought over a hooded towel she found from when the girls were babies. When Emi was a toddler, she used to put the hood over her head and call it her "Super Emi" costume. I'm always grateful when these random objects bring up memories that have been dormant for a while. Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw that Emi had wrapped her Bitty Baby (she has always called her "Bitsy") up in her old hooded towel and was rocking her to sleep. These are the moments that bring tears to my eyes. These are the moments that also sometimes feel like I was punched in the stomach. I fight to catch my breath when I realize that I can no longer hold any of my girls this way, how much I miss it, and how much I loved bringing their little heads to my nose as I held them, and took in their deliciously sweet baby scent. My heart swells with how kind and loving she is and how she nurtures all of us every single day. But oh what I wouldn't do for just a minute more...